something that makes me happy and sad at the same time is krist novoselic
i love seeing pictures of him during his nirvana years and oh he was so dreamy
i’d love so much to just meet someone like him
so much
grow old with someone like him
i’ve said this before and it still just is so silly to me
i have such a crush on him
hm
what is the purpose of this post?
i don’t know
i’d like to meet him now though
he is just such a cool person in general
mmhm
something that makes me feel very unhappy is that i’ve been having very strange dreams for the past week, and even tough they are so vivid, i can’t really seem to remember them when i wake up.
last night i had one about my old friend ben, which is weird already. but all i can remember is that he had an important interview somewhere with someone and i wanted to make him a good breakfast so he would do well. i wanted to make him like an english muffin with something on it, hm. i remember walking to the store to pick up something and i saw him in line to the interview and he had taken off the jacket to his interview-suit-thing and i waved over to him and walked over to take it from him so it wouldn’t be on the floor, and he saw me and looked me dead in the eyes and dropped it on the floor and scowled at me. and i just didn’t understand why, and i tried to explain but he told me to go away, so i left his breakfast next to his jacket and walked home crying.
i don’t know, it’s all very strange.
it’s so strange to have a dream with someone you haven’t talked to or seen in a long time.
i want to see what this could mean. but first i want to make a snack. mhm.
you should see the wind right now, pushing these trees outside this window around like they’re nothing.
hm
i have this thing where whenever i think people are getting to close to me, i block them out
i don’t like feeling held down
i don’t like feeling like i’m being put in to a collector’s jar on a shelf
i don’t like feeling like a sort of ‘prize’
i’m feeling especially concerned of this lately
but also i’ve been concerned about so many other things. spent a lot of time thinking today.
for example, i was thinking about how in relationships, the most unnerving thing is having to handle the fact that the other person has a past that you don’t know about, and weren’t apart of.
whenever i think about things that make me nervous or unhappy right now, i just close my eyes and think about the future, where i’ll be traveling and hiking and appreciating life. the hopeful in me always imagines someone doing all of that with me, and we’re both happy, but i am just really not sure, you know?
hm. this post is so unorganized it’s making me upset.
have you ever looked at a picture of someone somewhere and thought to yourself ‘hey i’ve stood right where they are’ ?
has it ever happened when you look at a picture or video of someone who is dead?
in the Sup Pop video of In Bloom, Kurt, Krist, and Chad Channing are walking on a dock in Seattle that i had walked on when i was younger, and even this past summer and it just makes me cry a bit.
to think that i’ve walked where my number one hero walked.
it’s almost sort of haunting don’t you think?
i wish that as i stood there it could have transported me back to Seattle 1990 and I would have been able to see and meet and experience Nirvana in it’s beginning.
it’s so strange but it gives me hope for some reason
i just feel so good, you know?
i had felt compelled to write out something from the very bottom of my stomach that was mean and nasty and awful and so many things,
but
instead, i had a bath
flames on the candles danced weakly as they struggled to melt the wax that smothered their wicks
i lit the incense that my nathan gave me on a day i thought my life was over
my pores were filled with tiny voices that screamed out as the hot water steamed the room
i silenced them with a lovely face mask
radiohead was playing; filling up the space of my small, but humble bathroom,
that day spent an hour in my head.
it’s inspired me so much and so thank you.
but mostly i am just happy
i will never experience what you do
dancing the denial twist
i want to forget what happened for a long time.
and yet i don’t! and so that is life.
it’s hard to block out physical things you experience, you know.
you can try but you can still imagine and feel them happening and your body feels all jittery and chilly and oh.
it’s such a funny thing to me.
how it even started escapes my memory.
i can remember sitting on the floor holding your hand telling and crying a bit as i explained that everyone matters.
it was such a strange night, and i was such a strange character.
you told me you were happy that i was opening up so quickly to you.
we just sat there for what seemed like hours. and then i close my eyes and open them to find i’m laying in the bath tub in the dark.
i know you had your fun with them, so it shouldn’t have mattered that i left, but you set out to make me your prize and i don’t know if i should feel flattered or …?
oh you should have just left me in the dark. i didn’t know what i was doing. i don’t know if that was fair of you to come and find me, knowing the state i was in.
crippling intimacy issues, that’s always the excuse from me.
but where was it this time?
probably with the rest of my words in a huge puddle of tar and glue and oh
i was against it all at first. i don’t think i’ll ever know what made me change my mind.
was it those guiding hands, maybe it was the comfort of the night, or maybe the soundtrack of a thunderstorm playing outside?
i felt nice. i felt safe.
i let you get to know my shoulders, my waist, my thighs. feel your chest atop of my own. breathe hot on my neck.
held on to me like i was the most delicate thing in the entire world.
i could feel a smile creep onto your lips.
she said you seemed excited when i finally gave in.
the confidence. that might have been it.
you saw what you wanted and you got it.
“you’re blushing”
it’s so nice when you can talk a person and not have to wonder what their ulterior motives are
you can have a conversation that makes you feel happy instead of anxious
your heart finally pulses fast because you’re happy and not because you’re to the point of passing out
i don’t know what i’m on about but oh
i just wish i could express how good it makes me feel when people are talking to me and laughing with me because they genuinely like me and not because it’s a joke to them
this particular scene often plays in my mind of when i was younger. i was my friends on the last day of school and was having a fun time. the year had been a difficult one filled with fights and dramatic arguments, and i was just happy that now everyone was friends again and we were having a nice last day. i guess i was the fool because as it turned out they were waiting for me around the park side and as i approached they threw water balloons at me and laughed in my face and oh it is just such a sad memory for me.
most of my childhood was that way and it just scares me to think about all of the times i swallowed the hurt feelings and continued to strive to get them to like me, and how it almost always ended in tears from me. oh
i suppose it’s silly for me to go on about how ‘oh people are talking to me, people like me!!’ because that’s such a strange thing to be happy about.
but i find that as i get older and try new things and have new experiences, i’ve really grown with my confidence and with my social skills
oh hm this makes me sad but in a happy way oh
it makes me scared though, if i ever have a daughter or son who has similar issues, oh that would be so hard to watch
which is why i really really oh so much love my mother
this post has become something very sad now oh
i’m stopping now
sometimes you just see someone’s face and wonder so much about it
did i help those laugh lines appear?
is that worry in your eyes from things i’ve said to you?
the flush of color to your cheeks as my gaze lingers
makes me feel innocent again
i wonder so much about you
sometimes i forget that i can’t act like nothing happened
i can’t put those thoughts out of my mind
no matter how hard i try
everything about you is so funny to me, though
you get an idea about how someone is
and they sometimes fit it perfectly
but the others, the illusions
rock my mind
i guess all i want to do is to figure out all of this
i want to understand you better
i dont want to be your escape
i want to feel like my time is precious to you
you drink up every moment
you’ll die without them
sometimes you wonder where you went wrong with the things you’ve done in your life
but i guess all you can do is look beyond it all and there you will find answers you didn’t know existed
my desires to leave are stronger than they’ve ever been
i imagine myself somewhere fantastic
and who knows?
maybe you’ll be there
but the only question left for me to answer
is who you really are
